Distorted Agape

By Koyama Hidekazu

Distorted Agape short story 2

Distorted Agape short story 2


I translated another one of the short stories written by Koyama Hidekazu (aka Vocaloid producer, Nanou), which were compiled in the “Distorted Agape” booklet that came with the Lyu:Lyu’s first live concert DVD. I’m not doing them in any order, and some are longer than others, but I’m just prioritizing the ones that really hit home for me.

Note: the way this story was originally written in Japanese, and with a lot of hiragana for more difficult words, makes it look like it was written by a younger child, so I tried to keep that tone in the English translation.

■ October 14th

Mom came to see my again today. It was fun. We talked about a lot of different things. Mom taught me how to fold cranes the last time she came, and I practiced a whole lot, so I folded one to show her right away. Mom was really happy, so that made me happy too. Today, she taught me how to fold kabuto hats (the one you wear for the 7-5-3 ceremony), so I’m going to practice a whole lot again. It was a fun day, so I wanted to stay awake the whole time, but Mom told me it was time for bed. I wish she would come see me again tomorrow.

■ October 1th

My head hurts, and my back hurts too. I didn’t really have an appetite, but I was told that I wouldn’t get better if I didn’t eat, so I did my best to finish everything. I feel kinda sick.

■ October 16th

I’m bored. When I’m bored, I like to draw, do origami, or watch TV, but even those things aren’t much fun, so I’ve been staring out the window this whole time. From where I am, I can just see the courtyard. I see people wearing the same clothes as me, so I think they’re also people that have been admitted to this hospital. And sometimes, a car will come by, and people wearing normal-people clothes will walk around. Since I can’t leave my room, when I see those people, I have a game where I try and guess that kind of person they are, or what kind of job they have. A new car just showed up. I wonder what kind of person is in that car?

If I wasn’t the person I am right now, and I was somebody else, I wonder what kind of person I would have been. Would I be more cheerful? Have more friends? Go to school, get a job, and find love, I wonder? I don’t really know. After all, I’m the person I am right now, and there isn’t any other me that exists anywhere. But if there were, I’d sure like to meet them.

I suddenly came up with a new game to play.

I’m going to write a story.

It’s a story where I’m the protagonist, and I get to do a lot of things, go to a lot of different places, or go on an adventure. What if I owned a bakery, or a cake shop, or what if I was a teacher? There are a bunch of different versions of me, and I write stories about all of them. Not to toot my own horn, but I think this game I came up with is really great. After all, it means I can go anywhere I want, and become anyone I want, even if I’m stuck in bed like this.

Now then, time to write my very first story.

■ October 20th

I got a little lazy with writing an entry every single day.

Today, Mom visited again, and Grandma came with her too. I only get to see Grandma sometimes, but she’s always really nice. I told them about the new game that I had come up with. And I also read them the very first story that I had written. It’s a story about how I’m a princess of some kingdom somewhere, and have to defeat the king of an evil kingdom. When I finished reading my story, both Mom and Grandma were really happy, so that made me feel happy too. But after that, Grandma held my hand and started crying, and she said,  “I would do anything if I could just trade places and have your illness instead, xxxxx-chan.” Mom cried a little bit too. But I don’t want my hands to become all wrinkly like Grandma, so I don’t want to trade places. And also, I’d be sad if Grandma passed away.

■ October 22nd

Today, only my doctor came to visit, but nobody else came.

I asked the doctor when I could leave the hospital. But all he told me was that I could go as long as I kept being a good girl, and didn’t tell me anything else.

When Dad was still alive, and Mom was really worried about his health, she would tell him to be more careful, and do this or do that, and he would always get angry and say, “Shut up, you don’t know me. No one else knows me like I know me.” But after Dad got so sick that he had to be hospitalized like me, and was always sleeping a lot, Mom didn’t get mad at him anymore. After Dad passed away, I cried a whole lot, but now that I’m like this, even now, Mom doesn’t get mad anymore. Whenever Mom gets angry or sad, I get sad too, so whenever she comes to visit, I always talk to her a lot and try to make her happy.

■ October 25th

The needle injection was scary.

■ October 26th

I kind of understand why my body is more frail than normal people. After all, no one else knows me like I know me.

My body hurts again today, so I cried and got angry a lot in front of Mom.

Once Mom left, I looked out the window and saw kids around my age playing outside. I normally wouldn’t think about it so much, but today, I felt so jealous of them and started crying again. Why can’t my body handle running around or moving around like other kids, I wonder. I’ve always wanted to play and go to class like everyone else. I’ve always avoided thinking about this kind of thing. Because it would just make me want to cry again. No matter how jealous I am, I’ll never be anyone besides me.

I wrote several more stories. This time, it’s a story about going to school. I started to hate going to school, so I dropped out, but since I miss everyone, I wrote a story about going back again. I think I wrote it pretty well. I want to hurry up and show it to Mom.

■ November 1st

Mom was talking to the doctor, and I think they decided the day I’m going to have my surgery. That was what Mom and my doctor told me. They both smiled and told me that it would be okay. I don’t like pain, so I asked over and over whether it hurt or not. The doctor told me that it would all be over  while I’m asleep, so it won’t hurt at all.

Once the lights went off, that meant it was time for bed, but today, I wasn’t able to sleep at all. I kept thinking about the word “surgery,” and that word kept swirling around in my head and kept me from falling asleep. After the surgery, does that mean I’ll be able to play with everyone else? Will I be able to study with everyone else? Will I be able to go to school, get a job, and find love?

I know that my body is actually not well. Neither Mom or my doctor say much about it, but since it’s my own body, I know. Even after the surgery, my body might still be the same. I might even just die with my body still like this. When I thought about it like that, it made me want to write more and more stories. While I can still move my hands, and while I can still think properly, I want to write more and more about the things I liked, the kind of person I wanted to become, the places I wanted to go, the things I wanted to touch, the people I wanted to talk to, and so much more.

I don’t have much time left.

Mom, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so weak, and doing nothing but make you sad all the time. I’m really sorry.


■ xthe xxth

Today is the day of the surgery.

But, I can’t move much anymore.

There’s tubes hooked up to my body, and my mouth is covered too, so I can’t talk.

If anyone ever reads this diary, I have just one request.

Please read my stories, even if it’s just one.

Unlike me, you can still go anywhere you want.

Unlike me, you can still become anyone you want.

If you read my stories and you feel happy, or sad, or find them fun or interesting, please go to those places and see those things for yourself, in my place.

What color are auroras, actually?

What does it feel like to ride on a camel’s back?

Is the king of the desert still asleep?

What do little kids dream about at nighttime?

Unlike me, you can still go anywhere you want.

Unlike me, you can still become anyone you want.

Please use those hands and legs of yours, and see many different things for yourself.

You are the only one that can see and decide if the things I wrote about in my stories were true or not.

Please, that’s all I ask.


I didn’t want to actually have to say this, but it would be sad to just disappear without saying it at all, so…